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Friends then dating

I'm scared because I still love him, and I may end up wanting more.

I really don't know how to go about this or what to do. Here is my response to our beautiful friend, who I'll call "Sandie": Dear Sandie, I wrote a post about exactly what you're going through here, called It's Your Decision.

It sounds like you've already answered this question for yourself when you say "But I am happier being his friend than not having him in my life at all".

My only concern is that sometimes we can convince ourselves that we can do this, that we can be with someone on their terms if that's the only way to have them in our lives, when inside we remain hoping and wishing he'll come around to the detriment of our beautiful selves.

Listen to it, hear what's at the root of that fear, and then explore that to see if that gives you any further clarity.

You know in your heart what's the best decision here for you, Sandie, and remember that this doesn't have to be so complicated.

However, he said he is not ready for a relationship.

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But treating people like your personal marionettes, not the autonomous equals they are, makes you the one controlling, patronizing and ultimately alienating people around you — and the fallout from that hurts so much more in the end.

For many of us it gets hard to ignore the fact that someone can be with us on friendship terms and not want more, and instead of leaving that with him and letting that be his issue, we can take that on ourselves and let it affect our confidence and our self-esteem, believing that there's something wrong with us that he doesn't want to be with us on a real relationship level instead of remembering that it's simply a case of being on different pages, and not something we should ever take personally.

But if we do, if we can't see it objectively and a little part of us dies every day that we remain with someone who isn't there, then that's the greater concern here. If the two of you are meant to be together, you will be, but only if both of you are eventually on the same page and are willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen, regardless of circumstances.

I have a right not to want people to use apostrophe-S to make something plural.

What you can do is respect the boundary between actors and audience.

803 comments

  1. I was so heartbroken when he said he just wants to be friends because I coul tell that he does care. if i don't see progression then i'm going to start dating others.

  2. Dude, I've had a two-year relationship with awesome sex, and then we went back to being friends. Sure, there was some heartbreak in there. But that only.

  3. Met a girl and was sprung on her day 1. I was pretty overt about my feelings for her, and she seemed to reciprocate but not with the same intensity. We.

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